Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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