I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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