I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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