how do flat chested girls get laid?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
