i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
