Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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