I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
