Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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