he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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