Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
