So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
