Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
