you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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