I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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