I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i drank out of a bidet.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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