More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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