Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
