At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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