I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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