Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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