Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
