Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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