I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
