Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.