she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
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...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
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We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Did you pee in the oven last night??