She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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