shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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