why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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