You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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