I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
