yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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