well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
