Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
