Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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