During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
