It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
