I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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