Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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