I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think people are normalizing furries
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
