JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
