Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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