so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
