I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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