So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
