it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
