i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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