I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
