so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
