I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
