Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
