just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
