Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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