Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
