I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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